gobsmackr

Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, says: “I made a hurtful and thoughtless comment on Sunday when I said that ‘I wanted my life back.’ When I read that recently, I was appalled. I apologize, especially to the families of the 11 men who lost their lives in this tragic accident.”

"But I said 'sorry.'"

We say: We want our environment back, but that’s not going to happen, so wake up! This IS your life, you slimy motherfucker. Fact is, you’re lucky to still be breathing, let alone making your monstrous salary. This snafu is just another poisonous example of your lack of foresight. You didn’t think about what you were saying and what it’s effect would be, just like you didn’t have the tools in your toolkit to deal with “low-probability, high-impact” issue like that little itty bitty oil spill. “Sorry” doesn’t fix it, asshole. This is your life for now on and  you’ve got to deal with it. Stop apologizing, stop spinning, and get something done.

“I didn’t know about it. I told the umpire, ‘No, we don’t have anybody out there with binoculars.’ I come to find out that we did,” say Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, following Major League Baseball’s warning to the team after FSN Rocky Mountain, the flagship broadcaster of the Colorado Rockies, showed  bullpen coach Mick “Peeping Tom” Billmeyer using the binoculars to peer in on Colorado catcher Miguel Olivo while the Phillies were at bat in the top of the second inning. “We were definitely not getting signs that way. He was standing straight up looking right at home plate. He was right out in the open. It wasn’t like he was hiding or nothing.”

Phillies firstbase coach Davey Lopes, in disguise, stealing signs from the stands during the same game.

We say: Did someone Taser your brain? Are you really that dumb? Seriously. Are you?

Lick my boots, Jesse.

Jesse James, husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, speaking of his extramarital sex scandal with a 24-year-old, white-supremacist, neo-Nazi tattoo and fetish “model,” says: “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.”

We say: Poor judgment? No, everything bad that’s coming your way is because of your dick. And because only someone carrying the genes of two parents stupid enough to name their son after a notorious murderer could be capable of sabotaging their life of luxury the way you just did, dumbass. If you think it was tough taking a swastika-studded dildo in your butt for kicks, just wait for what life after divorce court has in store for you. There’s a spot in the trailer park for you and Lil’ Miss Third Reich just down the road yonder… right next to Tiger Woods’ double-wide.

John Mayer loves the smell of napalm in the morning...

Jessica Simpson says: ”I felt betrayed. It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together,” speaking to Oprah Winfrey about the Playboy article in which ex-boyfriend/effete rocker John Mayer compared sex with the singer to crack cocaine and called her “sexual napalm.”

We say: You hope he gets his life together?! You still don’t get how a can of tuna can contain fish when the brand is “Chicken of the Sea,” and you’re acting holier than thou? Football players, actors, and musicans lust after you and then the relationship ends the same way every time, so maybe it’s time for you to get your life together and make some changes…or, more likely, take that inevitable next step down the hierarchical road and start banging a politician. If so, please make it Sarah Palin.

Victoria's Not-So Secret: Naomi spells "crazy" with a "K," and if you try to correct her she'll KILL you.

Jeff Raymond, spokesman for supermodel Naomi Campbell, says: ”Naomi will cooperate voluntarily, and there is more to the story than meets the eye,” in reference to the beating she allegedly gave a limo driver who must’ve looked the wrong way at her (with his eyes open) in the rearview mirror.

We say: Yeah, there sure is. It meets the face, the head, the stomach, the back, and any other part of the body that this psycho-supermodel can punch, scratch, kick, grab, slice, or chew on when the blood sugars dwindle and the lizard inside her brain starts wigging out. We need to send her over to Iran, this raging crackhead bitch is crazy.

The mouth of human kindness

Simon Cowell says: “You have to be good looking, [and] secondly, you have to know what you’re talking about,” referring to his potential replacement (including Howard Stern) as chief d-bag on American Idol.

We say: You look like the drunken lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Mel Gibson, and your musical taste smells like ass, so what the fuck do you know about it? Nice t-shirt collection, you tard–don’t unretire, okay?