gobsmackr

Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, says: “I made a hurtful and thoughtless comment on Sunday when I said that ‘I wanted my life back.’ When I read that recently, I was appalled. I apologize, especially to the families of the 11 men who lost their lives in this tragic accident.”

"But I said 'sorry.'"

We say: We want our environment back, but that’s not going to happen, so wake up! This IS your life, you slimy motherfucker. Fact is, you’re lucky to still be breathing, let alone making your monstrous salary. This snafu is just another poisonous example of your lack of foresight. You didn’t think about what you were saying and what it’s effect would be, just like you didn’t have the tools in your toolkit to deal with “low-probability, high-impact” issue like that little itty bitty oil spill. “Sorry” doesn’t fix it, asshole. This is your life for now on and  you’ve got to deal with it. Stop apologizing, stop spinning, and get something done.

“Maybe someday these babies will grow up to be police officers and arrest bad people, or will find a cure for cancer,” says Oklahoma State Senator (R) Todd Lamb, the majority floor leader, in reference to the state’s new abortion legislation (HB 2656) that protects doctors from being sued if they withhold fetal test results they believe would cause a woman to consider abortion.

Not OK, Oklahoma...you get what you deserve.

We say: And maybe there’s a connection between your ass-brain political decisions and your state’s uncanny ability to attract natural disasters. Today’s tornadoes a coincidence? We think not. More like the wrath of God.

How do you say "bullshit" in Chinese?

Yeung Wing-Cheung, representing a team of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers, says: “It’s not 100 percent that it is Noah’s Ark,” speaking of wooden remains they have discovered on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey, “but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it.”

We say: But then there’s that other 0.1 percent that keeps shouting out “loser” to the sane world. If you find Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot inside playing Texas Hold Em, maybe we’ll believe you, but until then stop with the nonsense and go fetch us some fried pork dumplings from the kitchen.