gobsmackr

John Mayer loves the smell of napalm in the morning...

Jessica Simpson says: ”I felt betrayed. It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together,” speaking to Oprah Winfrey about the Playboy article in which ex-boyfriend/effete rocker John Mayer compared sex with the singer to crack cocaine and called her “sexual napalm.”

We say: You hope he gets his life together?! You still don’t get how a can of tuna can contain fish when the brand is “Chicken of the Sea,” and you’re acting holier than thou? Football players, actors, and musicans lust after you and then the relationship ends the same way every time, so maybe it’s time for you to get your life together and make some changes…or, more likely, take that inevitable next step down the hierarchical road and start banging a politician. If so, please make it Sarah Palin.

"You have clearance, Clarence." "Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"

FAA Administrator Randy Babbitt says: ”This lapse in judgment not only violated Federal Aviation Administration’s own policies, but common sense standards for professional conduct,” speaking of the the recent suspension of a controller and a supervisor for allowing the controller’s elementary-school-aged son to radio instructions to several pilots from the control tower at JKF International Airport. “These kinds of distractions are totally unacceptable, this kind of behavior does not reflect the true caliber of our work force.”

We say: Maybe you’re overreacting? Only 43,000,000 people fly in and out of JFK each year. We have inept morons handling our security, so why not let Cub Scouts direct air traffic?

Victoria's Not-So Secret: Naomi spells "crazy" with a "K," and if you try to correct her she'll KILL you.

Jeff Raymond, spokesman for supermodel Naomi Campbell, says: ”Naomi will cooperate voluntarily, and there is more to the story than meets the eye,” in reference to the beating she allegedly gave a limo driver who must’ve looked the wrong way at her (with his eyes open) in the rearview mirror.

We say: Yeah, there sure is. It meets the face, the head, the stomach, the back, and any other part of the body that this psycho-supermodel can punch, scratch, kick, grab, slice, or chew on when the blood sugars dwindle and the lizard inside her brain starts wigging out. We need to send her over to Iran, this raging crackhead bitch is crazy.

The horror... the horror.

Yoko Ono says: “I knew what I was doing,” reflecting on her ineffable creative contributions to the Plastic Ono Band both now and back in 1969.

We say: Really? Advantage Linda McCartney. At least she could claim ignorance–you, madam, are truly one-of-a-kind awful.

Sarah Palin, the best the G.O.P. has to offer

Sarah Palin says: “I will live I will die for the people of America. This party that we call the Tea Party, this movement, as I say is the future of politics in America.”

We say: We’ll take the dying part, but you are so unimaginably stupid that we’ll let you slide a few more years until you announce your candidacy to run against Obama..and then we’ll celebrate. In the meantime, brush up on that original ideas thing, or perhaps speaking in complete, grammatical sentences. Believe it or not, it actually matters.

Mark Bauer, Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina, says “My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed! You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that.”

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