gobsmackr

Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, says: “I made a hurtful and thoughtless comment on Sunday when I said that ‘I wanted my life back.’ When I read that recently, I was appalled. I apologize, especially to the families of the 11 men who lost their lives in this tragic accident.”

"But I said 'sorry.'"

We say: We want our environment back, but that’s not going to happen, so wake up! This IS your life, you slimy motherfucker. Fact is, you’re lucky to still be breathing, let alone making your monstrous salary. This snafu is just another poisonous example of your lack of foresight. You didn’t think about what you were saying and what it’s effect would be, just like you didn’t have the tools in your toolkit to deal with “low-probability, high-impact” issue like that little itty bitty oil spill. “Sorry” doesn’t fix it, asshole. This is your life for now on and  you’ve got to deal with it. Stop apologizing, stop spinning, and get something done.

“Maybe someday these babies will grow up to be police officers and arrest bad people, or will find a cure for cancer,” says Oklahoma State Senator (R) Todd Lamb, the majority floor leader, in reference to the state’s new abortion legislation (HB 2656) that protects doctors from being sued if they withhold fetal test results they believe would cause a woman to consider abortion.

Not OK, Oklahoma...you get what you deserve.

We say: And maybe there’s a connection between your ass-brain political decisions and your state’s uncanny ability to attract natural disasters. Today’s tornadoes a coincidence? We think not. More like the wrath of God.

“He whacked her in the butt, but it wasn’t sexual abuse—he has spastic movements,” says Wyatt Gibbons, a lawyer for Hippocrate Mertsaris, a lawyer with cerebral palsy who allegedly grabbed the inner thigh and buttocks of a Taxi and Limousine Commission judge during a meeting in her Kew Gardens offices. “If he was starving to death and had a hamburger in front of him he couldn’t lean over to pick it up.”

Mmmmm....Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

We say: But throw in some Hamburger Helper and he’ll use one of those perfectly timed “spasms” to snatch the burger, the buns, and whatever the Wheel of Fortune throws his way.

Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex In The City fame, says: “She’s basically a short man with boobs,” speaking of fiancee Christine Marinoni, who she plans to marry once same-sex marriage is legalized in New York.

We say: Somewhere Danny Devito is singing the blues.

After being read his Miranda warning, Louie De Palma says "W4MW? WTF?!"

NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”

Who loves ya, baby?!

We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…

How do you say "bullshit" in Chinese?

Yeung Wing-Cheung, representing a team of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers, says: “It’s not 100 percent that it is Noah’s Ark,” speaking of wooden remains they have discovered on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey, “but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it.”

We say: But then there’s that other 0.1 percent that keeps shouting out “loser” to the sane world. If you find Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot inside playing Texas Hold Em, maybe we’ll believe you, but until then stop with the nonsense and go fetch us some fried pork dumplings from the kitchen.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) says: “It’s the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

Driving Mr. Crazy (aka geriatric bigot racist loser)

We say: Only when they think they see you behind the wheel in your Grand Dragon Ku Klux Klan costume, you carcinogenic idiot. Is Palin feeding you ideas along with your morning prune juice, grandpa?

Lick my boots, Jesse.

Jesse James, husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, speaking of his extramarital sex scandal with a 24-year-old, white-supremacist, neo-Nazi tattoo and fetish “model,” says: “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.”

We say: Poor judgment? No, everything bad that’s coming your way is because of your dick. And because only someone carrying the genes of two parents stupid enough to name their son after a notorious murderer could be capable of sabotaging their life of luxury the way you just did, dumbass. If you think it was tough taking a swastika-studded dildo in your butt for kicks, just wait for what life after divorce court has in store for you. There’s a spot in the trailer park for you and Lil’ Miss Third Reich just down the road yonder… right next to Tiger Woods’ double-wide.

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Congressional Representative (D-NY) Eric Massa says: “I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes [Presidential chief-of-staff] Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

We say: No, we don’t know, but apparently it’s a recurring theme you’re focused on. Based on recent developments reported in the news about you initiating wholly inappropriate conversations and harassing innuendo with people who work on your staff, we’re surprised that Rahm’s in-the-buff berating unsettled you so much. Here’s an idea: Shut the fuck up and spare everyone from your bizarro sexual obsessions and conspiracy theories about health care reform. Whether you’re resigning because of cancer, as you said last week, or because of allegations of harassing one of your staffers, just resign already and tell it to Glenn Beck and the rest of the Tea Party ass-clowns. They won’t yell at you.