gobsmackr

“He whacked her in the butt, but it wasn’t sexual abuse—he has spastic movements,” says Wyatt Gibbons, a lawyer for Hippocrate Mertsaris, a lawyer with cerebral palsy who allegedly grabbed the inner thigh and buttocks of a Taxi and Limousine Commission judge during a meeting in her Kew Gardens offices. “If he was starving to death and had a hamburger in front of him he couldn’t lean over to pick it up.”

Mmmmm....Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

We say: But throw in some Hamburger Helper and he’ll use one of those perfectly timed “spasms” to snatch the burger, the buns, and whatever the Wheel of Fortune throws his way.

Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.

Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.

We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”

NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”

Who loves ya, baby?!

We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…