Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex In The City fame, says: “She’s basically a short man with boobs,” speaking of fiancee Christine Marinoni, who she plans to marry once same-sex marriage is legalized in New York.
We say: Somewhere Danny Devito is singing the blues.
After being read his Miranda warning, Louie De Palma says "W4MW? WTF?!"
Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.
Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.
We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”
NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”
Who loves ya, baby?!
We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…
John Mayer loves the smell of napalm in the morning...
Jessica Simpson says: ”I felt betrayed. It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together,” speaking to Oprah Winfrey about the Playboy article in which ex-boyfriend/effete rocker John Mayer compared sex with the singer to crack cocaine and called her “sexual napalm.”
We say: You hope he gets his life together?! You still don’t get how a can of tuna can contain fish when the brand is “Chicken of the Sea,” and you’re acting holier than thou? Football players, actors, and musicans lust after you and then the relationship ends the same way every time, so maybe it’s time for you to get your life together and make some changes…or, more likely, take that inevitable next step down the hierarchical road and start banging a politician. If so, please make it Sarah Palin.
The mouth of human kindness
Simon Cowell says: “You have to be good looking, [and] secondly, you have to know what you’re talking about,” referring to his potential replacement (including Howard Stern) as chief d-bag on American Idol.
We say: You look like the drunken lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Mel Gibson, and your musical taste smells like ass, so what the fuck do you know about it? Nice t-shirt collection, you tard–don’t unretire, okay?
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