Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex In The City fame, says: “She’s basically a short man with boobs,” speaking of fiancee Christine Marinoni, who she plans to marry once same-sex marriage is legalized in New York.
We say: Somewhere Danny Devito is singing the blues.
After being read his Miranda warning, Louie De Palma says "W4MW? WTF?!"
Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.
Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.
We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”
NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”
Who loves ya, baby?!
We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…
Lick my boots, Jesse.
Jesse James, husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, speaking of his extramarital sex scandal with a 24-year-old, white-supremacist, neo-Nazi tattoo and fetish “model,” says: “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.”
We say: Poor judgment? No, everything bad that’s coming your way is because of your dick. And because only someone carrying the genes of two parents stupid enough to name their son after a notorious murderer could be capable of sabotaging their life of luxury the way you just did, dumbass. If you think it was tough taking a swastika-studded dildo in your butt for kicks, just wait for what life after divorce court has in store for you. There’s a spot in the trailer park for you and Lil’ Miss Third Reich just down the road yonder… right next to Tiger Woods’ double-wide.
John Mayer loves the smell of napalm in the morning...
Jessica Simpson says: ”I felt betrayed. It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together,” speaking to Oprah Winfrey about the Playboy article in which ex-boyfriend/effete rocker John Mayer compared sex with the singer to crack cocaine and called her “sexual napalm.”
We say: You hope he gets his life together?! You still don’t get how a can of tuna can contain fish when the brand is “Chicken of the Sea,” and you’re acting holier than thou? Football players, actors, and musicans lust after you and then the relationship ends the same way every time, so maybe it’s time for you to get your life together and make some changes…or, more likely, take that inevitable next step down the hierarchical road and start banging a politician. If so, please make it Sarah Palin.
"You have clearance, Clarence." "Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"
FAA Administrator Randy Babbitt says: ”This lapse in judgment not only violated Federal Aviation Administration’s own policies, but common sense standards for professional conduct,” speaking of the the recent suspension of a controller and a supervisor for allowing the controller’s elementary-school-aged son to radio instructions to several pilots from the control tower at JKF International Airport. “These kinds of distractions are totally unacceptable, this kind of behavior does not reflect the true caliber of our work force.”
We say: Maybe you’re overreacting? Only 43,000,000 people fly in and out of JFK each year. We have inept morons handling our security, so why not let Cub Scouts direct air traffic?
Victoria's Not-So Secret: Naomi spells "crazy" with a "K," and if you try to correct her she'll KILL you.
Jeff Raymond, spokesman for supermodel Naomi Campbell, says: ”Naomi will cooperate voluntarily, and there is more to the story than meets the eye,” in reference to the beating she allegedly gave a limo driver who must’ve looked the wrong way at her (with his eyes open) in the rearview mirror.
We say: Yeah, there sure is. It meets the face, the head, the stomach, the back, and any other part of the body that this psycho-supermodel can punch, scratch, kick, grab, slice, or chew on when the blood sugars dwindle and the lizard inside her brain starts wigging out. We need to send her over to Iran, this raging crackhead bitch is crazy.
The mouth of human kindness
Simon Cowell says: “You have to be good looking, [and] secondly, you have to know what you’re talking about,” referring to his potential replacement (including Howard Stern) as chief d-bag on American Idol.
We say: You look like the drunken lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Mel Gibson, and your musical taste smells like ass, so what the fuck do you know about it? Nice t-shirt collection, you tard–don’t unretire, okay?
The horror... the horror.
Yoko Ono says: “I knew what I was doing,” reflecting on her ineffable creative contributions to the Plastic Ono Band both now and back in 1969.
We say: Really? Advantage Linda McCartney. At least she could claim ignorance–you, madam, are truly one-of-a-kind awful.
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