“That’s just what you want to see at 4am, some little varmint that looks like [Dustin] Pedroia scampering through your office,’’ says Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona, speaking of the inhabitants living inside Fenway Park who come out to play whenever he sleeps in his office overnight.
Pedroia can dunk on Nelson, but only because Pedro's boytoy is dead.
We say: They must be looking for cheese, or perhaps the ghost of Nelson de la Rosa, inside that Jimmy Durante shnozz.
“I didn’t know about it. I told the umpire, ‘No, we don’t have anybody out there with binoculars.’ I come to find out that we did,” say Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, following Major League Baseball’s warning to the team after FSN Rocky Mountain, the flagship broadcaster of the Colorado Rockies, showed bullpen coach Mick “Peeping Tom” Billmeyer using the binoculars to peer in on Colorado catcher Miguel Olivo while the Phillies were at bat in the top of the second inning. “We were definitely not getting signs that way. He was standing straight up looking right at home plate. He was right out in the open. It wasn’t like he was hiding or nothing.”
Phillies firstbase coach Davey Lopes, in disguise, stealing signs from the stands during the same game.
We say: Did someone Taser your brain? Are you really that dumb? Seriously. Are you?
Manager Joe Girardi, talking about Orioles pitcher Jeremy Guthrie’s nailing of catcher Jorge Posada, says: “We know he’s going to pitch inside and I don’t have a problem with that. What do you expect, me to be happy that our guys are getting plunked? I’m frustrated by it. I wish he had better command in there.”
Joe Rockhead
We say: Come on, Joe. If Guthrie had better control he would’ve hit Posada in that Easter Island Rapa Nui head, that’s what everyone aims for–it has gravitational pull stronger than a small planet and Guthrie still missed. That’s how much Orioles pitching sucks.
Dallas Braden, Oakland A’s pitcher, says: “Get off my mound. Get off my fucking mound,” to Yankees slugger and notorious asshole Alex Rodriguez, aka Mr. Ha.
The Notorious PED, aka Mr. Slappy
We say: He must’ve been looking for PEDs.
Grapefruit-size nuts, pea-size brain
Boston Red Sox thirdbaseman Adrian Beltre says: “When I look down, after [last year's] game, it wasn’t a pretty sight,” speaking of an agonizing injury suffered after a heat-seeking groundball found his unprotected family jewels. “My testicle got the size of a grapefruit. Thank God it didn’t really damage anything. Everything is OK.’’
We say: I guess that depends on your definition of “okay.” Stop with this machismo shit–you can have big balls without having big balls. Wear a fucking cup, guy.
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