gobsmackr

“He whacked her in the butt, but it wasn’t sexual abuse—he has spastic movements,” says Wyatt Gibbons, a lawyer for Hippocrate Mertsaris, a lawyer with cerebral palsy who allegedly grabbed the inner thigh and buttocks of a Taxi and Limousine Commission judge during a meeting in her Kew Gardens offices. “If he was starving to death and had a hamburger in front of him he couldn’t lean over to pick it up.”

Mmmmm....Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

We say: But throw in some Hamburger Helper and he’ll use one of those perfectly timed “spasms” to snatch the burger, the buns, and whatever the Wheel of Fortune throws his way.

Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.

Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.

We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”

Human wreckage carried Tiger's club and balls

Gloria Allred, lawyer for ex-porn star/former Tiger Woods putting partner Joslyn James (aka Veronica Siwik Daniels) says: “He is ignoring the human wreckage that he has left behind [with his return to golf]. Whatever happens in the Masters’ Tournament will not change the fact that as far as Veronica is concerned, Tiger has proven himself to be the master of deception.”

We say: We’re no fans of Tiger Woods or his extramarital dalliances, but it’s hard to take someone with fake boobs and a well-documented lifetime achievement award for sucking penis on film seriously when they talk about … well, er, anything. Other than sucking penis, that is.

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Congressional Representative (D-NY) Eric Massa says: “I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes [Presidential chief-of-staff] Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

We say: No, we don’t know, but apparently it’s a recurring theme you’re focused on. Based on recent developments reported in the news about you initiating wholly inappropriate conversations and harassing innuendo with people who work on your staff, we’re surprised that Rahm’s in-the-buff berating unsettled you so much. Here’s an idea: Shut the fuck up and spare everyone from your bizarro sexual obsessions and conspiracy theories about health care reform. Whether you’re resigning because of cancer, as you said last week, or because of allegations of harassing one of your staffers, just resign already and tell it to Glenn Beck and the rest of the Tea Party ass-clowns. They won’t yell at you.

The mouth of human kindness

Simon Cowell says: “You have to be good looking, [and] secondly, you have to know what you’re talking about,” referring to his potential replacement (including Howard Stern) as chief d-bag on American Idol.

We say: You look like the drunken lovechild of Kermit the Frog and Mel Gibson, and your musical taste smells like ass, so what the fuck do you know about it? Nice t-shirt collection, you tard–don’t unretire, okay?

The horror... the horror.

Yoko Ono says: “I knew what I was doing,” reflecting on her ineffable creative contributions to the Plastic Ono Band both now and back in 1969.

We say: Really? Advantage Linda McCartney. At least she could claim ignorance–you, madam, are truly one-of-a-kind awful.

Sarah Palin, the best the G.O.P. has to offer

Sarah Palin says: “I will live I will die for the people of America. This party that we call the Tea Party, this movement, as I say is the future of politics in America.”

We say: We’ll take the dying part, but you are so unimaginably stupid that we’ll let you slide a few more years until you announce your candidacy to run against Obama..and then we’ll celebrate. In the meantime, brush up on that original ideas thing, or perhaps speaking in complete, grammatical sentences. Believe it or not, it actually matters.

Mark Bauer, Lieutenant Governor of South Carolina, says “My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed! You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that.”

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