Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex In The City fame, says: “She’s basically a short man with boobs,” speaking of fiancee Christine Marinoni, who she plans to marry once same-sex marriage is legalized in New York.
We say: Somewhere Danny Devito is singing the blues.
After being read his Miranda warning, Louie De Palma says "W4MW? WTF?!"
Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.
Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.
We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”
NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”
Who loves ya, baby?!
We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…
Lick my boots, Jesse.
Jesse James, husband of Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, speaking of his extramarital sex scandal with a 24-year-old, white-supremacist, neo-Nazi tattoo and fetish “model,” says: “There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.”
We say: Poor judgment? No, everything bad that’s coming your way is because of your dick. And because only someone carrying the genes of two parents stupid enough to name their son after a notorious murderer could be capable of sabotaging their life of luxury the way you just did, dumbass. If you think it was tough taking a swastika-studded dildo in your butt for kicks, just wait for what life after divorce court has in store for you. There’s a spot in the trailer park for you and Lil’ Miss Third Reich just down the road yonder… right next to Tiger Woods’ double-wide.
"You have clearance, Clarence." "Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?"
FAA Administrator Randy Babbitt says: ”This lapse in judgment not only violated Federal Aviation Administration’s own policies, but common sense standards for professional conduct,” speaking of the the recent suspension of a controller and a supervisor for allowing the controller’s elementary-school-aged son to radio instructions to several pilots from the control tower at JKF International Airport. “These kinds of distractions are totally unacceptable, this kind of behavior does not reflect the true caliber of our work force.”
We say: Maybe you’re overreacting? Only 43,000,000 people fly in and out of JFK each year. We have inept morons handling our security, so why not let Cub Scouts direct air traffic?
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