gobsmackr

Human wreckage carried Tiger's club and balls

Gloria Allred, lawyer for ex-porn star/former Tiger Woods putting partner Joslyn James (aka Veronica Siwik Daniels) says: “He is ignoring the human wreckage that he has left behind [with his return to golf]. Whatever happens in the Masters’ Tournament will not change the fact that as far as Veronica is concerned, Tiger has proven himself to be the master of deception.”

We say: We’re no fans of Tiger Woods or his extramarital dalliances, but it’s hard to take someone with fake boobs and a well-documented lifetime achievement award for sucking penis on film seriously when they talk about … well, er, anything. Other than sucking penis, that is.

John Mayer loves the smell of napalm in the morning...

Jessica Simpson says: ”I felt betrayed. It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that’s not the John that I knew…I hope he gets his life together,” speaking to Oprah Winfrey about the Playboy article in which ex-boyfriend/effete rocker John Mayer compared sex with the singer to crack cocaine and called her “sexual napalm.”

We say: You hope he gets his life together?! You still don’t get how a can of tuna can contain fish when the brand is “Chicken of the Sea,” and you’re acting holier than thou? Football players, actors, and musicans lust after you and then the relationship ends the same way every time, so maybe it’s time for you to get your life together and make some changes…or, more likely, take that inevitable next step down the hierarchical road and start banging a politician. If so, please make it Sarah Palin.

Grapefruit-size nuts, pea-size brain

Boston Red Sox thirdbaseman Adrian Beltre says: “When I look down, after [last year's] game, it wasn’t a pretty sight,” speaking of an agonizing injury suffered after a heat-seeking groundball found his unprotected family jewels. “My testicle got the size of a grapefruit. Thank God it didn’t really damage anything. Everything is OK.’’

We say: I guess that depends on your definition of “okay.” Stop with this machismo shit–you can have big balls without having big balls. Wear a fucking cup, guy.