gobsmackr

NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”

Who loves ya, baby?!

We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…

Manager Joe Girardi, talking about Orioles pitcher Jeremy Guthrie’s nailing of catcher Jorge Posada, says: “We know he’s going to pitch inside and I don’t have a problem with that. What do you expect, me to be happy that our guys are getting plunked? I’m frustrated by it. I wish he had better command in there.”

Joe Rockhead

We say: Come on, Joe. If Guthrie had better control he would’ve hit Posada in that Easter Island Rapa Nui head, that’s what everyone aims for–it has gravitational pull stronger than a small planet and Guthrie still missed. That’s how much Orioles pitching sucks.

How do you say "bullshit" in Chinese?

Yeung Wing-Cheung, representing a team of Chinese and Turkish evangelical explorers, says: “It’s not 100 percent that it is Noah’s Ark,” speaking of wooden remains they have discovered on Mount Ararat in eastern Turkey, “but we think it is 99.9 percent that this is it.”

We say: But then there’s that other 0.1 percent that keeps shouting out “loser” to the sane world. If you find Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart and Bigfoot inside playing Texas Hold Em, maybe we’ll believe you, but until then stop with the nonsense and go fetch us some fried pork dumplings from the kitchen.

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) says: “It’s the drivers of cars with illegals in it that are intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

Driving Mr. Crazy (aka geriatric bigot racist loser)

We say: Only when they think they see you behind the wheel in your Grand Dragon Ku Klux Klan costume, you carcinogenic idiot. Is Palin feeding you ideas along with your morning prune juice, grandpa?

Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Congressional Representative (D-NY) Eric Massa says: “I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes [Presidential chief-of-staff] Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

We say: No, we don’t know, but apparently it’s a recurring theme you’re focused on. Based on recent developments reported in the news about you initiating wholly inappropriate conversations and harassing innuendo with people who work on your staff, we’re surprised that Rahm’s in-the-buff berating unsettled you so much. Here’s an idea: Shut the fuck up and spare everyone from your bizarro sexual obsessions and conspiracy theories about health care reform. Whether you’re resigning because of cancer, as you said last week, or because of allegations of harassing one of your staffers, just resign already and tell it to Glenn Beck and the rest of the Tea Party ass-clowns. They won’t yell at you.

Sarah Palin, the best the G.O.P. has to offer

Sarah Palin says: “I will live I will die for the people of America. This party that we call the Tea Party, this movement, as I say is the future of politics in America.”

We say: We’ll take the dying part, but you are so unimaginably stupid that we’ll let you slide a few more years until you announce your candidacy to run against Obama..and then we’ll celebrate. In the meantime, brush up on that original ideas thing, or perhaps speaking in complete, grammatical sentences. Believe it or not, it actually matters.