gobsmackr

Tony Hayward, CEO of BP, says: “I made a hurtful and thoughtless comment on Sunday when I said that ‘I wanted my life back.’ When I read that recently, I was appalled. I apologize, especially to the families of the 11 men who lost their lives in this tragic accident.”

"But I said 'sorry.'"

We say: We want our environment back, but that’s not going to happen, so wake up! This IS your life, you slimy motherfucker. Fact is, you’re lucky to still be breathing, let alone making your monstrous salary. This snafu is just another poisonous example of your lack of foresight. You didn’t think about what you were saying and what it’s effect would be, just like you didn’t have the tools in your toolkit to deal with “low-probability, high-impact” issue like that little itty bitty oil spill. “Sorry” doesn’t fix it, asshole. This is your life for now on and  you’ve got to deal with it. Stop apologizing, stop spinning, and get something done.

“I didn’t know about it. I told the umpire, ‘No, we don’t have anybody out there with binoculars.’ I come to find out that we did,” say Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel, following Major League Baseball’s warning to the team after FSN Rocky Mountain, the flagship broadcaster of the Colorado Rockies, showed  bullpen coach Mick “Peeping Tom” Billmeyer using the binoculars to peer in on Colorado catcher Miguel Olivo while the Phillies were at bat in the top of the second inning. “We were definitely not getting signs that way. He was standing straight up looking right at home plate. He was right out in the open. It wasn’t like he was hiding or nothing.”

Phillies firstbase coach Davey Lopes, in disguise, stealing signs from the stands during the same game.

We say: Did someone Taser your brain? Are you really that dumb? Seriously. Are you?

“Maybe someday these babies will grow up to be police officers and arrest bad people, or will find a cure for cancer,” says Oklahoma State Senator (R) Todd Lamb, the majority floor leader, in reference to the state’s new abortion legislation (HB 2656) that protects doctors from being sued if they withhold fetal test results they believe would cause a woman to consider abortion.

Not OK, Oklahoma...you get what you deserve.

We say: And maybe there’s a connection between your ass-brain political decisions and your state’s uncanny ability to attract natural disasters. Today’s tornadoes a coincidence? We think not. More like the wrath of God.

“He whacked her in the butt, but it wasn’t sexual abuse—he has spastic movements,” says Wyatt Gibbons, a lawyer for Hippocrate Mertsaris, a lawyer with cerebral palsy who allegedly grabbed the inner thigh and buttocks of a Taxi and Limousine Commission judge during a meeting in her Kew Gardens offices. “If he was starving to death and had a hamburger in front of him he couldn’t lean over to pick it up.”

Mmmmm....Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!

We say: But throw in some Hamburger Helper and he’ll use one of those perfectly timed “spasms” to snatch the burger, the buns, and whatever the Wheel of Fortune throws his way.

Cynthia Nixon, star of Sex In The City fame, says: “She’s basically a short man with boobs,” speaking of fiancee Christine Marinoni, who she plans to marry once same-sex marriage is legalized in New York.

We say: Somewhere Danny Devito is singing the blues.

After being read his Miranda warning, Louie De Palma says "W4MW? WTF?!"

Ramapo Detective Lt. Brad Weidel, says: “Formal charges will be filed upon the completion of our investigation,” speaking of the arrest of NFL Hall of Famer and Lawrence Taylor in connection with a reported rape of a 15 year old girl.

Just ask Joe Theismann--L.T.'s always been a leg man.

We say: Looks like the Rikers Island inmate football team has a new starting linebacker. Talk about “The Longest Yard…”

NYC Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly says: “We thought it warranted an interview,” speaking of the man captured on Times Square surveillance video taking a shirt off to reveal…another shirt. “This was a warm day. This happened just around the time that the pops start to go off inside the car. So that’s why we simply want to talk to him.”

Who loves ya, baby?!

We say: That’s some serious sleuthing, Kojak. The Naked Cowboy performing on acoustic guitar around the corner every day for the past 11 years doesn’t seem to register, but a middle-aged balding guy doing something normal draws the attention of Big Brother. Very comforting…

Cinco Armstrong, the unborn fetus of 7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong, says: “I got 2 arms, 2 legs, a nickname, and i’m 2 inches long.”

Little piggy in a P.E.D. blanket

We say: Let us know when your shits start tweeting. Here we thought you were talking about ….oh, forget it.

Manager Joe Girardi, talking about Orioles pitcher Jeremy Guthrie’s nailing of catcher Jorge Posada, says: “We know he’s going to pitch inside and I don’t have a problem with that. What do you expect, me to be happy that our guys are getting plunked? I’m frustrated by it. I wish he had better command in there.”

Joe Rockhead

We say: Come on, Joe. If Guthrie had better control he would’ve hit Posada in that Easter Island Rapa Nui head, that’s what everyone aims for–it has gravitational pull stronger than a small planet and Guthrie still missed. That’s how much Orioles pitching sucks.